George Carlin

March 19, 2008

Along with Bill Hicks, Carlin is one of my favourites when it comes to stand up. Now almost 71 Years old! Let’s hope the miserable misanthropic old fucker can manage at least one more appearance in his life ;) Here’s a list of quotes from Carlin from his early performaces to more recent ones such as “Life is worth losing”…

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

“One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

“No comment” is a comment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

Hooray for most things!

I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

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